thanksgiving and a hardened heart

I am drowning in a sea of STRESS. Five days till deadlines and my parents are adding at least another 5 or 6 schools to the list. None of which I have filled out applications or written essays for!!

I know they are just looking out for me, and they want to increase my chances of getting into a school but it's literally crushing me. As in, I can't take it anymore. I have never felt such a sinking feeling every minute of everyday like I do now. The pressure of holding my whole future in my hands is such an overwhelming feeling, so overwhelming to the point that my physical state is changing. I can't sleep, I'm gaining wait, and I am constantly fatigued. All this stress is really starting to take a toll.

Today in my devotional, the main verse was Psalm 118:24 "This is the day that the LORD has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it." The reading also went on to say how precious are those who thank God even in the darkest of days.

HA. HOW in the world am I supposed to thank God in a time like this? I feel as though I am completely sinking and no one is going to pull me up. It's like someone literally ripped the steering wheel right out of my hand.

I know this is just God's way of reminding me that HE is the one in control, but how am I to thank him with a joyful heart when I feel as though there is nothing to be thankful for right now. Obviously, that's not at all true, but that's just how it feels.


till i'm in,
lindsey.

i'm so scared.

it’s the final stretch.

time to actually send in all my applications. too bad that’s not the end of it, but it means i’m getting close.

but i’m so scared.

everyone is telling me how hard it is to get accepted to most of the schools i’m applying to. i only have about 10, but is that enough?

do people actually NOT get accepted to ANY of the schools they apply to? does that really happen? will i be the first?

for the first time ever, i’m am very truly scared about my future; about what it holds, about what i’ll do.

for the first time ever, i have no control over what’s going to happen and that scares the crap out of me.

till this fear goes away,

lindsey.

down to earth? try head in the clouds.

What does it mean when they say someone is "down to earth"? I don't get it. Here's the dictionary definition:

down-to-earth adj. realistic; sensible; straightforward; not pretentious or affected

What's so great about being "realistic" and "sensible"? Sounds pretty boring to me! Yet, we somehow think of it as a good thing.

When asked what a guy likes in a girl most guys will answer, "pretty, smart, funny, down to earth." But what does that mean? Does it mean that guys don't like girls who have dreams or ambitions? Does it mean that people aren't allowed to fantasize about what their life could be?

I just don't understand how this could be viewed as a good thing. Even the Bible has story after story about God giving men dreams that they were supposed to pursue and follow. It's freakin' biblical!

I for one, am a girl of many dreams. I want to be an actress on broadway, I want to get married, I want to have lots of kids, I want to be a dancer, I want to have a fashion line, I want to be a musician...there are SO many things I want to do, but because of the cookie cutter shape of the world, some people look down on that.

I'm not saying that you should go off and become broke investing in some company that will never take off because it's your "dream". Don't be stupid about it! But don't be afraid to dream either. Dreams are what makes the world go 'round.

Just think where we would be without them...

till this dreamer wakes,
lindsey.

Chicago and College

What is it that I love about Chicago so much? It could be the towering skyscrapers, the sparkling night life, the downtown beaches, the fun festivals, the quirky tourist stops, or maybe just the fact that I was born there.

Whatever it is, I have always had a love for Chicago IL, even more so now that I live almost 500 miles away. I find myself in awe of this amazing city every time I visit it. For quite some time now I have dreamed of returning to this wonderful city and starting my (hopeful) acting career. Although many of these types of endeavors usually fail, I have more than a hunch that is where I'm supposed to be.

But it's all easier said than done.

Getting there is the hard part. And as much as I would LOVE to attend Columbia College of Chicago, I have a feeling my parents will do everything in their power to keep me in state. Though I may not totally hate the idea of staying in Tennessee, my biggest fear is that I'll never get my dream: performing on the 'big stage'.

Now don't get me wrong, Tennessee has so many things to offer me, including careers like being a recording artist, a musician, an opera singer, and a music teacher, but Chicago has always been part of the dream, and I have to at least try.

Fortunately, Columbia doesn't even require an audition to apply for the school, which makes my whole college application process a LOT easier, but also harder since my acceptance/rejection wouldn't be based on talent at all; but sheerly by my resume.

Oh boy, thinking about college hurts my brain, but I can't help but get so excited! Dreaming of going to school in a city like Chicago makes me so giddy and ready to jump into the next phase of life. Auditions start this fall!! :D

I. Can't. Wait.

till the applications are sent in,

lindsey.